What If I Never Get An Opportunity To Be a Mother?

I needed to write down this emotion. I needed to tell you guys my fear. My deepest fear has been to be childless, and I have come to a head with that fear. At the age of 22, I had an ultrasound to see if I could have children, and I was told everything was intact. Of course I did not want children at that age, but I feared not knowing. Now at 24, I have been shot with the very fear that I may be infertile. 

I watch in life selfish, mindless, reckless, worldly human beings become parents every day. I was born to a father, which in my opinion took this gift of being a parent for granted and continues to. As much as you live right – don’t use drugs, stay monogamous while in a relationship, always take your health into consideration – you may never get this gift. I really have lived cautiously just so that I can be a decent parent. People do drugs and think their child won’t be affected when studies have proven that can cause genetic mutation. I am sick at the thought…how is it that I may not be able to give life when so many men and women do not care about a child’s life while they are living as much as I do my thought of a child? Why must that be? The slightest thought I maybe with child would cause me to not put one taste of alcohol to my lips. There are people in this life without care for their seed. I cannot imagine why it would be me that could be barren. Why would it be me God? Why?

That hurts me so much because I know how great of a parent I would strive to be, not only by example but by truly allowing my child to drive to LIVE freely without my fears overshadowing them (God intends for parents to be vehicles in which his children come to earth). This gift of bearing children, the Lord says it’s the repentance of a woman. That is how she repents for her sins in his eyes. If I am not able to be a mother have I not nothing to repent for? Has God taken my only way in which to mean something to this world away from me? I am realizing I may never get this opportunity and I am shaken. Everybody may struggle in life in ways you may not ever know. All our lives are riddled with struggles some of us may not care to recognize. I just want to share my fear and pray you may find empathy in your heart for others struggles that may not be your own. I know this pain has woken me in my sleep feeling cold and lost. I will not let this fear conquer me, I can only take every day as it comes and pray for a miracle.   


Define Yourself

I am She. I am Melanin. I am Engineer.


Let me not bore you with the undisputed fact that I am a she. With being a she comes what I should be, could be, or would be. But I would prompt all that cannot seem to understand me. That I am she that can accomplish not only some but all goals I aim to achieve. Not one goal cannot be attained by she. She can and will accomplish, conquer and gallantly soar past every denial you may have preconceived. I know this is so because I am she that has unweathering determination. 


You may not recognize with all the colorism surrounding our minds, clouding our judgment. Melanin exist in all of us, the higher the melanin the deeper the skin may appear. I am melanin, I have melanin, like all beings do. But I am a Black person in my heritage, in my heart and in my soul. The more or less melanin does not obscure my cultural association. I walk in this day and time as a person, not to be confused with your labels or your titles. I walk in this day as a person with a biological pigmentation, that does not, will not define my quality of life. I know this is so because I am melanin, which cannot falter me, how much or less of it I have.


The analytical, problem-solving guru, yet does not stay ingrained in a textbook. Engineer she is, but she cannot be just that. What a dream to be an engineer, but she’s dreams are wilder, prodigious if you may. Not normal to want to be all that in one lifetime, but she knows she has this one shot at a life. She is going to use that scientific method she used so often to rid the hesitation to what truly makes she glow. I know this is so because an Engineer can fix all that obstructs the intended outcome. 


I cannot be defined by this world. This world is a façade. I will define myself. I am She. I am Melanin. I am Engineer.